Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I recently came across a journal entry/ group post on a wonderful website that I am on and was compelled to repost it on here. The Author is the lovely Mistress Michelle Lacy. Mistress Michelle has been in this game for quite some time & has accumulated a wealth of experience along the way. I have had the honor of attending one of her workshops and lifestyle parties, she's amazing. Below you will find her well written post about Professional Domination and the Dominatrix. ENJOY!
This original post can be found here, along with comments: https://fetlife.com/users/54081/posts/1215080
Due to a lot of people writing completely false stuff about Dominatrices and bashing us all over fetlife, I decided that since many people REALLY HAVE NO CLUE what it is that we do, I decided to clear up some things here. This is also great for new guys who are interested in learning. I am a lifestyle Domme too and sometimes I am ashamed of "my own people."
WHAT IS A PRO DOMME?
A Pro Domme or Dominatrix is a woman (there are a few men, although rare) who study, train, and educate themselves to death on all things Kink/Fetish/BDSM and beyond in order to provide a wonderful appointment for a paying client. We often have extensive wardrobes, and work out of Dungeons. Some of us are also LIFESTYLE DOMMES and some of us are just kinky and open minded.
WHAT IS A LIFESTYLE DOMME?
A lifestyle Domme is a woman who takes on a Dominant role in her personal life, who seeks a kink-minded partner to play with, date, or just other kink-minded people to have a good time with. A lifestyle Domme may attend fetish events, workshops, or classes to learn the techniques she may be interested in. A lifestyle Domme will play with only the kinky people she wants to.
WHAT IS A DUNGEON?
A dungeon is a BDSM themed place full of kinky furniture and equipment, some have many themed rooms, where you meet most Dominatrices for appointments. A COMMERCIAL DUNGEON has women on staff, run by a manager or the owner them self. A client calls and books an appointment based on the girls listed on their website or advertising based on looks, techniques, shoe size, or skill among other things.
WHY DO PEOPLE SEE PRO DOMMES and not a LIFESTYLE DOMME?
In a nutshell:
*To live out a fantasy they always wanted to, but can not live out in real life due to:
-Being in a kinkless (even sexless as well) marriage.
-Being told by their significant other or ex in the past that they are freaks and disgusting for wanting to __(insert something as simple as kiss feet to something as wild as being pissed on).
-They do not want to attend lifestyle events because they want this to be done in absolute private, some have high profile jobs, some are just scared of running into others who may know them. (Many lifestylers say "I'd never pay for a Pro Domme, that's just STUPID!.." Yeah idiot, you are OUT IN THE OPEN ABOUT YOUR KINK! Do you have a wife at home that would leave you, a boss that would fire you, or any other issue? A fear of being in public? Public play and talking to others about your fantasy not what you seek because you just want a one on one experience? NO? Do you think someone is totally comfortable telling a girl he just met at a party that he wants to go home and eat her shit? NO? Then why judge someone else?
-They don't want to meet a lifestyle woman for playtime because most want a relationship, (not what they are looking for), and they want someone who will do their kink/fetish without throwing out what THEIR kinks and fetishes are. They don't want to take all this time looking, talking to and trying to meet a lifestyler. It is too involved. They are rejected by lifestyle Dommes because the lifestyle Domme may be there looking for a possible partner and will walk away or not converse with the man who is just looking to get to know them for some playtime and not looking for romance. Playing once in a while and leaving, will tend to hurt the feelings eventually of some lifestyle Dommes who become emotionally attached. Pro Dommes do not become romantically attached to our married or otherwise off-limits clients.
-They seek us for absolute discretion (we see some PRETTY IMPORTANT or WELL KNOWN PEOPLE). A Pro Domme won't call, email or stalk their client after the session. If a lifestyle woman becomes attached, she might try getting me to leave my wife and I don't want to leave my wife, I just want to live out my kink is what many think, even if it isn't the case all the time.
-There is mostly, no sex with our clients. I say mostly, because other Countries mix Domination and Prostitution. America does not. But for the most part, they aren't looking for sex. They just are looking for kink, or to serve, or engage in a fantasy or a fetish. Since there is no sex, many do not consider it cheating and they feel better about it consciously. Not every client sees it like that though and some will only see a Pro Domme when they are single.
-A Pro Domme is usually very experienced, and can deliver exactly what the client is looking for in a safe and super-skilled manner. How many 26yr old lifestyle women have bull-whipped the backsides of 300 men?
-A dungeon is where many like to "escape" to for their experience. Most lifestyle women don't have super upscale fancy multi-room dungeons with $30k worth of toys and other Domme girls available in the next room. Some do! But your average lifestyle lady does not, although she might have great toys.
-Their session is therapeutic to them, and we are a type of therapist. Therapy costs money, and they don't mind paying a Professional.
-Our wardrobe is usually very extensive as well as expensive. Besides leather and latex, we have other Dominatrix outfits, dozens of high heels, shoes and boots, stockings, pantyhose, blouses, nurse and other role-playing outfits and so on.
WHAT DOES A PRO DOMINATRIX KNOW HOW TO DO? (feel free to skip ahead if the list is too crazy for you to handle reading at 3 in the morning)
A skilled Pro Dominatrix knows how to do all or almost all of the following things:
*many techniques, and positions to spank someone (didn't think there were techniques or positions huh?)
*corporal punishment sessions including use of:
*caning, many styles of caning
*Flogging, many styles of flogging, and what each flogger does to the person's skin depending on material (seen a lot at lifestyle parties like it's replacing glow-sticks on strings at raves).
*paddling, cropping and other dozens of usual impact toys
*Use of a single tail whip, a bullwhip, etc of many various lengths.
*Use of electro toys such as violet wands or TENS Units.
*Urethral sounding, catheters, and enemas
*Piercing and cutting
*Cross-dress a client, using special make-up for trans guys, go on shopping excursions, nails, and make them feel lady-like.
*Anally train guys.
*Every type of foot worship session you can imagine.
*Slave training, positions, and protocol.
*Bondage from the simplest tie to the most extreme suspension.
*Sissy slut training
*How fetishists love to worship (I mean, HOW as in TECHNIQUES) gloves, shoes, heels, boots, latex, leather, and so on)
*Smoking fetish and human ashtray play
*Puppy play and pony play, and how to use all equipment.
*The seemingly endless ways to torture nipples.
*The seemingly endless ways to torture cock and balls.
*The difference between a sub, a slave, a fetishist, someone just with a kink or fantasy, a masochist, a sadist, and where those lines blur, even when they don't even know what the hell they are and label themselves wrongly.
*How to give a severe beating without leaving lasting marks.
*warm-up, safety, aftercare, clean up and sterilization.
*Golden showers, ruby showers, brown showers, snot, spit, and other bodily fluids and the many types of hows/where to deliver those fluids to your client.
*Face slapping THE RIGHT WAY
*How to properly TRAMPLE A GUY (where to put your weight, how exactly to jump on them and where).
*The seemingly endless possibilities of predicament bondage.
*latex vac beds
*straightjackets, all types
*prostate milking (some Dommes do not do that)
*chastity devices, how to get those suckers on, how to size them correctly for our client, the many tests to do in order to make sure that thing is NEVER coming off.
*psycho-dramatic scenes, and completely MINDFUCKING your client.
*Financial Domination, although not very common in Pro Domme scenes. More for those money-hungry women who pretend to be Dommes who are just into Financial Domination.
*cuckolding sessions, often with limits, boundries and lots of imagination.
*Small Penis humiliation, Severe verbal humiliation, soft playful humiliation
*light to severe degradation and finding out that your client has "humiliation" and "degradation" mixed up in his head.
*Dealing with wild role-plays that go from being a super hero and pushing a hidden button that opens a secret passage to the villians lair, to people wanting to talk about being forced to FUCK their mothers or do very violent things.
*Knowing about everything that ends with a "-philia"
*Domestic Domination roles and domestic impact toys.
*Adult Baby play and related.
*Sensory Deprivation and Sensation play.
*Tease and Denial
*How to deal with the drunk or high client.
*How to calm down a nervous or afraid client.
*How to counsel a client to get over stigmas, fears or emotional pain.
*How to push limits.
*How to be sweet one minute, and sadistic and cruel the next.
*How to deal with guys who want sexual activities.
*How to deal with guys who try to grope and fondle us and won't quit it.
*How to read a client so well you know exactly if he's taking the pain well or not (most lifestylers are taught to use safewords, so a lot of lifestylers who turn Pro Dommes later on, end up sticking with safe words. Many of us do not HAVE to use safe words. We just KNOW).
*How long to have someone's hands or feet up before we know they will begin to get numb and then start to hurt.
*How to get into the head of the shy or ashamed man and have them tell us exactly what their true fantasy is.
*Being a friend, a mentor, and a therapist.
AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.
ARE PRO DOMINATRICES ALSO LIFESTYLE OR ARE THEY JUST IN IT FOR THE MONEY?
Both cases exist. However someone who is open-minded enough to do a job like this is USUALLY very kink-friendly, so why would it matter? Some Pros do it at home in their personal life. Some, since they do it and live it all day long, want a break from it and are happy to go home to a vanilla life.
ARE THERE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIFESTYLE SUBMISSIVES AND SUBMISSIVES WHO SEE PRO DOMMES?
4/10 men at your lifestyle party have either been in the past, currently go to, or will see a Pro Domme in the future, and that includes the Masters/Tops/Dominants. Most just do not discuss it. I'm not kidding around here. The truth is, you don't know even your own friends as well as you think you do. The Master at your party who bullwhipped his wife comes to me to get cross-dressed and fucked in the ass once a month. Your bondage rigger with the tattoos has been serving me for the past 5 years as a personal slave and also with paid appointments. The guy who is always dressing up as an adult baby I have seen before. The guy who helps you run that spanking club just booked an appointment with me after seeing my best friend for the past 5 years. 2 of your girlfriends approached me on the side, curious about going Pro themselves. Seeing a Pro doesn't make you not truly submissive, nor does it make you not look for a deep connection with another person. I could go to any lifestyle event in NY with 10 other Pro Dommes and we can probably point out half the party as being a clients of ours. We would never, but I'm just saying.
There are no differences, just different circumstances in life that enable people to live out their kink at different times and in different ways. If you tell me you are so busy with work and your kids that you haven't had time for fetish parties, munches and play etc in a long time and you miss it, does that make you not in the lifestyle anymore? No? Than what is the difference between that and a man who is busy with his job traveling and his own kids and only has time for a session here and there? Does that mean he doesn't fantasize or feel the urge constantly to submit or serve? Do you think he doesn't wish his life was different so he could serve a Mistress 24/7 as her live-in slave? Do you really think there is a difference just because they can only afford to submit for an hour? We make lasting bonds, friendships and D/s M/s relationships with some of our clients. Its just that they lead different lives. Some are more private about their desires too. The lifestyle community is too much for them. Like stated above, they will loose high profile jobs if found at a munch. Or this is just a private side of themselves they share with a chosen trusted person. Some serve Mistresses for so long that the Mistress or slave passes away and it's beyond devastating. Pro Dommes have helped subs learn about themselves, not feel shame, embrace who they are, grow, challenged them, and even changed their lives for the better because we are caring understanding people, not the wallet munching cunts people make us out to be.
WHY ARE THERE DOMMES OUT THERE CALLED "FINANCIAL DOMMES" or "FINDOMMES" or CLAIMING THEY WANT LOTS OF MONEY AND GIFTS AND TO BE SPOILED?
First of all, those girls do dominate men, but are not considered Dominatrices. Financial Domination is a common fantasy men have. The idea is that this sexy woman has a power over them, and they are worthless degraded pigs in the eyes of that girl, and are so powerless that they are forced to give up their money just to spoil, or continue to speak to their Mistress who "deserves everything." A lot of these guys also have a fantasy of being BLACKMAILED (yup, THIS IS A REAL FANTASY). This is not something those girls made up. THERE ARE A LOT OF GUYS ON FETLIFE into that fantasy who are drawn to those girls profiles because THAT is what they are looking for. So before you bash these girls into the ground, remember they are engaging in a real fantasy and are trying to attract those guys who have that fantasy. If it is not YOUR fantasy, simply click away from their profile.
99% of those girls just do this on the phone or on webcam and may also encounter other fetishes and fantasies. A tiny handful of them will meet a guy in real life for a shopping trip or degradation type of session. But they are mostly concerned with Financial Domination and Financial Ruin. These girls are out for money only, and sometimes a few laughs.
Those girls are not traditional Dominatrices. Do not get that confused. A PRO DOMME is a trained lady with a whip, not a "financial Domme." Some financial Dommes like calling themselves Dominatrices or even Pro Dommes because they do not know any better, just like a guy who likes a hard spanking does not understand that he is a masochist and starts calling himself a slave, even if he doesn't have one submissive bone in his body. And while we do sometimes get guys with this Financial Domination fantasy, we usually do the best we can, but don't go out trolling around for them.
DO PRO DOMMES HATE MEN?
No. Not at all. Most Pro Dommes respect men. A lot of us are quite intelligent, and are REALISTS. We know there are just as bad women out there as there are men, and we hate both genders equally :)
Once in a while a man-hating Dominatrix WILL come along and she tries to treat every man like dirt and abuse them even though that is not every guy's fantasy. They usually get no returning clients and end up weeding themselves out of the business.
WHY NOT DO IT FOR FREE?
If I am a teacher and I am doing what I love for a living, should I tell them to stop my paychecks? Is there something wrong with doing something for a living that you love and take pride in? We get to live out and see things you will NEVER see at a fetish party. We spend lots of time perfecting our craft, and money on our equipment.
If you go to a fetish party and some man who you were not the slightest but attracted to, twice your age came up to you and said "I want you to stop talking to your friends and spank me for the rest of the party" I am sure you would decline. But if that man said "I know you have a reputation of being a good spanker and I want to show my appreciation for your time if you so choose to spank me by giving you this $600 gift card to amazon.com" I am sure you would be spanking him for the rest of the night. And don't even tell me you wouldn't. And when he was spanked good and red, you would smile and take pride in it while he thanked you up and down and told you it was the BEST spanking he has ever had, and he finally found someone to do it for him the RIGHT way.
We get paid to fulfill the fantasies of others which is true, but we are very picky about who we take on and we try to take on guys who's interests reflect our own.
I love slave training, it doesn't mean my appointment tomorrow is for slave training. But I might have fun anyway, because I am very interested in all aspects of BDSM just like many other Pros. A good Pro domme knows that it's not the session theme but who you are playing with that can make or break the session.
Our skills, equipment, and wardrobe plus our dungeon is a huge expense, that we must upkeep.
DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR CLIENTS?
In the USA, Dommes do not have sex with their clients. They do not get happy endings. Some are lucky if we allow them to manually touch themselves if we are in a good mood. That is not what it is about. How scantily we dress all depends on our personal limits and preferences.
DO PRO DOMMES INTERACT WITH LIFESTYLERS? GO TO FETISH EVENTS?
Hell yeah. Many Pro Dommes go to parties. Many are IN THE LIFESTYLE TOO, meaning they go home and are kinky at home too or in their personal life, teach classes, hold seminars, host parties. Some aren't but just enjoy BDSM and a night out! Does it matter? Shouldn't we respect all open-minded people whether they are curious and watching or full-on OUT about their kink? Many Pro Dommes go to parties for FREE. Why do Pro Dommes get asked to host fetish parties? Ever wonder why our names are on flyers and websites and event listings as hosts? Because we are guaranteed to give any sub who plays with us a good time, and because we know a ton about many fantasies, fetishes and techniques. Also, because we are well-known, are likely to show up looking very nice because we are used to looking nice for "work." Oh and because 40% of your "lifestyle scene" is not lifestyle only. Sorry to burst your bubble.
That is what draws in half the attendees at those public parties, the single guys who are drawn to meeting, dating, or playing with a Pro Domme they admire. Many Pro Dommes want to hang out and talk to lifestylers, ask about their outfits, ask how long the couple has been together, and so on. But many lifestylers bash and judge the Pros, not understanding that we are all THE SAME.
We are all on a journey, learning more about kink, trying to not judge each other for our kinks and fetishes. For a bunch of "non-judgmental" people, this scene can be full of people who can be pretty judgmental and ignorant!
BAD PRO DOMMES?
Are there bad Doctors? Shitty lawyers? Bad teachers? Of course there are. So of course there are bad Pro Dommes. Some get God complexes (which they had to begin with), some are just after the money and will troll around in the same way guys are at fetish parties trolling around begging for play from every woman, some are terrible at reading the client and what they want, some are just plain horrible. If you meet a bitchy and mean Pro with a poor attitude, or a Pro who is trolling around for potential clients, or session with a Pro who just SUCKS..... those girls are not MEANT to be Pro Dommes. They will weed themselves out of the system eventually. Don't let one bad banana spoil the bunch.
I've had lifestyler MASTERS treat me like complete dirt at fetish parties (well, they tried to....), and I've met some really sweet ones. I've met some women in the lifestyle who were really rotten and cruel, and ones who were fabulous people. Do you see me or any other Pro Domme bashing lifestylers all over the internet? NO.
Some people are just assholes on all sides of things! That is just life.
Before you bash Pro Dommes, learn WHAT A PRO DOMINATRIX IS FIRST before you make yourself look like a complete moron!
In my experience, like I said earlier, about 4/10 "lifestyle only" males have been to or secretly go to Pro Dommes. They can't get what they want from the lifestyle women (find good looking girl but she isn't skilled, or is a sub herself, interests don't match up) or can't find a woman to engage in kink with them (rejected). Or they have fantasies that they don't want to admit even though it seems like they are out in the open. Some are friends with each other and don't even know it. I see them at parties whipping girls, and I just smile and nod, or friendly hug them and pretend I don't know them as a client. There is nothing wrong with that.
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